Establishing Boundaries in the New Year

Happy New Year!!!

With a new year comes new responsibilities, new possibilities, new goals and new boundaries of course. Is there a better topic to ring in the new year?! Healthy boundaries…we all know them, we may not love them, but we definitely need them.

I didn’t learn a lot about healthy boundaries as a child and it caused some growing pains as a young adult. I didn’t know how to distinguish between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one. Have you ever had a relationship in your life that seems to just keep taking from you? I don't mean stealing your physical belongings (if you have people in your life doing this, get them out of there!). I am talking about people who continuously take your time and your emotional energy, whether they intentionally mean to or not. That right there is a relationship without healthy boundaries.

I have had several of these in my life. It took me until I was about 25 years old to understand that it is ok to set healthy boundaries in my personal relationships. Honestly, by doing this, I learned that several of my relationships were one sided and surface level. They weren't the deep connections I was longing for. I now understand the importance of establishing healthy boundaries with the ones I love most. I hope this post can help you form stronger and healthier relationships in the new year!

What are healthy boundaries?

My favorite definition of personal boundaries is from TherapistAid.com: "Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships."

Having healthy personal boundaries does not mean closing yourself off to everyone around you. It is simply understanding that it is ok to say "no" or "yes" when you need to. By letting others dictate your life, you will grow resentful in these relationships. Eventually, drifting apart. Healthy boundaries aren't just for the sake of your happiness and sanity. They are for the quality and longevity of your relationships.

Here is the list of benefits I have found when implementing healthy boundaries:

1. It has helped my personal growth - I have learned more about myself and what I expect from others. On the flip side, it also helps others understand what to expect from me in our relationship.

2. Protecting myself from emotional harm - Boundaries are great for keeping the best parts in a relationship and sifting out the bad.

3. Keeping order in my life - Without boundaries it is easy to get tangled in other people’s drama, responsibilities, and personal life, on top of your own.

4. Preventing others from controlling me - This one means a lot to me and I am constantly working on it. I have a bad tendency to let others dictate my life. I let them take advantage of my time and not respect my goals and ambitions. Boundaries have helped me draw that line. By saying "yes" and "no" when I need to and still maintaining a healthy relationship.

How can I tell if a relationship has unhealthy boundaries?

If you take a step back and examine your relationships, it is not terribly difficult to tell the ones that lack boundaries.

They usually consist of:

Lack of respect - Either from you or the other person. I would say this is the biggest indicator. Without boundaries, it is easy to take advantage of the other’s time, efforts, and energy.

Lack of control - We aren't designed to take on everybody else's problems and your relationships should reflect that.

Increased distractions - If your life seems to become increasingly more chaotic and full of distractions because of one relationship, that’s a big problem. You should never feel like you have to sacrifice your own goals for somebody else’s. A healthy relationship will allow for both parties to grow and achieve their goals.

Healthy boundaries are not exclusive to friends and coworkers. I think when some people hear the term "boundaries" they think it is exclusive to friends. The truth is, it should be with every relationship you have. Your mother and father, your partner, your neighbor, you name it.

Having a clear understanding of how much to give of yourself to the people in your life is what healthy boundaries is all about. I grew up in a family with not so clear boundaries. Sometimes it's hard to set those boundaries with the people you love the most but, if you don't, they will continue to cross that line. Especially when they have no clue the line exists to begin with.

Remember that setting boundaries takes time and it’s okay to star small. Here are some boundaries you can start with:

-Say “no” to tasks you don’t have time for or that bring you any type of negative feeling.

-Say “yes” to help those in your life.

-Ask for help when you need it.

-Don’t be afraid to delegate tasks.

-Protect your time, don’t overcommit.

-Ask for space when you need it. We all need to take time for ourselves.

-Speak up if you feel uncomfortable with how someone is treating you.

-Honor what is important to you by choosing to put yourself first.

-Drop the guilt and responsibility for others.

It can be difficult to set boundaries throughout our relationships but life becomes a lot easier and joyful when we do. I hope this new year brings you all the love and joy that you deserve and that you so freely give to others.

Cheers to another year of adventures and most importantly, growth!